Sleep is one of my go-to escapes

What am I doing? I’ve been in bed for weeks now. I’ve been in bed for months at a time and spent most of the last ten years yoyo-ing with long term absenteeism at work. So much so, that they medically retired me because it just could not go on. I cant blame them. I know I’m ill but I used to manage the depression and function quite well. I remember those days, they were a long time ago but I was able to do it. How do I get back to that? I used to have potential, but after Uni I wasted opportunities, and I hate myself for it. Now I’m lying in bed again, not functioning, missing yet another summer, taking way too many sleeping tablets. Why? What is so bad I can’t face the world, that I don’t want to be a part of it? Why am I isolating myself and pushing everyone away? It’s always the same. It’s a wonder anyone puts up with me when I do come out of hiding.
My birthday’s soon, which means it’ll be eight years since Malc died. I think this is the first year I’m really feeling it, not just his death but Mum and Dad’s too. I guess it’s a side effect of being on meds for so many years, they masked the pain, they dulled it, but they didn’t help the depression. I got tired of trying so many different ones over the years that I asked to stop them because none seemed to work. So now, I’m actually feeling, but I’m not good with emotions. Yesterday all I could think about was killing myself so I tried various distractions until I just knocked my self out. It’s not much better today so I’m still in bed, I’ve taken my usual sleeping tablet/diazepam combo and hopefully it’ll be better when I wake up. One of these times I might not wake up, who knows. Who cares.

Under the weather

I just need to get this out of my head I think and then this might pass. I’m not sure if I’m having a crisis or not because I feel calm, a little anxious but mostly calm. I keep thinking that if I had enough meds that I would take them, but I don’t have enough, not right now. I have prescriptions to pick up, that would do it, but that means going out and I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to die, but there’s no point or structure to my life so why continue? We’ve all got to die sometime. I know it would hurt people but I don’t care, at this point in time I just don’t care, at least I won’t be a burden and they won’t need to worry about what I’ll do next. I know there are people I can call but I can’t think of anyone that would want this call, I never call, that’s my fault, no-one else’s, they say to call anytime but I don’t want to be a bother. I’d rather not make a fuss. I’m having a pity party probably brought on by yet another impending anniversary of someone’s death. Sleeping tablets then. Maybe when I wake up I’ll be less inclined to harm myself.


Finding Mike

Finding Mike.

The story of how Jonny found the man who saved his life one morning in London when he was going to jump off Waterloo Bridge. So many people kept walking but one man stopped.

This was almost too painful too watch, it hit home on so many levels. Memories of a massive overdose and waking up in ICU after 2 days, and memories of finding Malc mean I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I’ve tried several times to commit suicide but he succeeded.
The details of other attempts on bridges are hazy for me too. I don’t remember the name of the young off-duty police officer who stopped his car mid-traffic on the opposite side of the Glen Bridge to talk me down but I’m forever grateful. I remember him helping me across the road to his car then he phoned the police for assistance. There were so many Macdonalds bags in his car, I remember that! I remember that one of the officers who came and took me to hospital remembered being at the scene after I found Malc and he said it had a big impact on them too and he remembered me and was sad that I was in such despair.
When I was on the bridge it took me a minute to realise someone was talking to me, asking my name, asking me to come down. It took a while to realise how busy the road was and how many people were walking past not wanting to look, I hadn’t even seen them as I climbed. He saved me, like Mike saved Jonny. He was one person who saw another in trouble and stepped in. I wish I could thank him.
This is an amazing film, I remember the campaign from twitter, it’s so good to see the full story. What an extraordinary man, he wants to be a superhero? Well he is, this will save so many lives.

Ten things not to say to a suicidal person

Originally posted on purplepersuasion:

In July 2011 I wrote a post entitled, “Ten things not to say to a depressed person.” It was the first piece on this blog to attract a large audience and I own much of my blogging success to that post and its companion piece, “Ten supportive things I’m glad somebody said to me.”

I’ve decided the time is right for a similar piece on dealing with suicidal people (although I’m definitely not expecting the same number of readers for this post!). Suicidal thoughts have been a problem for me since around Christmas and the wide variety of responses I’ve received to my blogs and tweets, along with training to be a Mental Health Instructor, have given me cause to think about how people respond to individuals they know to be suicidal. A common response is feeling that they must throw some logic at the problem. What people don’t…

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