Under the weather

I just need to get this out of my head I think and then this might pass. I’m not sure if I’m having a crisis or not because I feel calm, a little anxious but mostly calm. I keep thinking that if I had enough meds that I would take them, but I don’t have enough, not right now. I have prescriptions to pick up, that would do it, but that means going out and I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to die, but there’s no point or structure to my life so why continue? We’ve all got to die sometime. I know it would hurt people but I don’t care, at this point in time I just don’t care, at least I won’t be a burden and they won’t need to worry about what I’ll do next. I know there are people I can call but I can’t think of anyone that would want this call, I never call, that’s my fault, no-one else’s, they say to call anytime but I don’t want to be a bother. I’d rather not make a fuss. I’m having a pity party probably brought on by yet another impending anniversary of someone’s death. Sleeping tablets then. Maybe when I wake up I’ll be less inclined to harm myself.

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