Sleep is one of my go-to escapes

What am I doing? I’ve been in bed for weeks now. I’ve been in bed for months at a time and spent most of the last ten years yoyo-ing with long term absenteeism at work. So much so, that they medically retired me because it just could not go on. I cant blame them. I know I’m ill but I used to manage the depression and function quite well. I remember those days, they were a long time ago but I was able to do it. How do I get back to that? I used to have potential, but after Uni I wasted opportunities, and I hate myself for it. Now I’m lying in bed again, not functioning, missing yet another summer, taking way too many sleeping tablets. Why? What is so bad I can’t face the world, that I don’t want to be a part of it? Why am I isolating myself and pushing everyone away? It’s always the same. It’s a wonder anyone puts up with me when I do come out of hiding.
My birthday’s soon, which means it’ll be eight years since Malc died. I think this is the first year I’m really feeling it, not just his death but Mum and Dad’s too. I guess it’s a side effect of being on meds for so many years, they masked the pain, they dulled it, but they didn’t help the depression. I got tired of trying so many different ones over the years that I asked to stop them because none seemed to work. So now, I’m actually feeling, but I’m not good with emotions. Yesterday all I could think about was killing myself so I tried various distractions until I just knocked my self out. It’s not much better today so I’m still in bed, I’ve taken my usual sleeping tablet/diazepam combo and hopefully it’ll be better when I wake up. One of these times I might not wake up, who knows. Who cares.

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